Category: Blog

More recently I’ve realised life is made up of phases, macro and micro ones. A macro phase could be a career or relationship, a micro one parenting a baby before they reach toddler age (like you are right now Riley, 8 months old already).

Macro phases for me fit into decades of my life. My first 20 years were focused on learning basic life skills, formal education and being shaped as a person.

John Lennon summed up what you’ll be up against for this phase in his song Working class hero. His lyrics are powerful and 40 years later they still hold true. Yet it doesn’t have to be like this, your mum and I are here in part to make that difference.

https://youtu.be/w_7_lEOaU10

As soon as you’re born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool
Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they’ve tortured and scared you for twenty-odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can’t really function you’re so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and TV
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

There’s room at the top they’re telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill

A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

If you want to be a hero well just follow me
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

My twenties were about escaping the fixed mindset and hang ups I’d been shaped with. This was my major learning phase, one were I found the world was larger than I could ever have imagined. One where I travelled and met as many types of people and experienced as many cultures as I could. I had major highs and major lows. All of this enabled me to move into my thirties a different person, a person I really wanted to be.

I’m hopeful you won’t feel like escaping the person you’ve become in your twenties. What I do hope is that you’ll use this phase in life to open your mind, begin learning what life truly is, travel and make friends from different cultures and parts of the world. Your twenties are there to soak up experiences, experiment, fall down and get back up stronger.

My thirties were my mastery phase. One were I took the experiences and person I’d become and began giving back to the world as best I could. I began to master relationships, love, being loved (don’t assume that comes naturally) and being there for others. I’m already in my forties and have mastered none of these, though I’m much better than I was. Mastery isn’t a destination, it’s not about winning or being the best, it’s about learning and taking that learning to do something differently, continuously.

Use your thirties not to settle, but ground yourself. Find and be with your love, begin building your legacy for the world and those around you, add value and never stop mastering.

My forties continue my mastery phase, only this time I’m mastering fatherhood and parenting. I’m 45 in a few months and at 25 if you’d said I’d make it to this age I’d have laughed. Yet here I am, alive, happy, fulfilled and able to understand and feel unconditional love for the first time.

Use your forties to build on your wisdom and value. Teach, be a role model, most of all, give yourself to others as much as you can, you’re not just here for you.

So at 44 going on 45, I’ve a lot to learn and master still. I’m hopeful I’m sharing enough and and being the father that helps you become the person you want to be. The best thing I can pass on to you is the notion that life isn’t fixed, no matter what age we are. You own your story, you’re the author, design your life.

“Each of us must confront our own fears, must come face to face with them. How we handle our fears will determine where we go with the rest of our lives. To experience adventure or to be limited by the fear of it.” – Judy Blume

We all have fears, for many they’re not life threatening, like a fear of heights, public speaking or spiders. I used to have 2 limiting fears, the fear of getting cancer and the fear of losing my ability to understand and communicate. At a young age I saw family members / friends die from cancer and suffer from strokes. In fact, my family have pretty much all died from either cancer or a stroke, so I’m confident if I live to a ripe age, one of the 2 is likely to try and take me.

I used to have a 3rd fear and that was getting eaten by a shark. A strange fear for a person who doesn’t live near the sea in the UK (and the UK isn’t exactly known for its shark infested waters…) My fear of being gobbled by a shark came at the age of 7 or 8 when I crept downstairs one Saturday night and saw my mum watching a scene from Jaws the movie, the part where actor Robert Shaw was in his fishing boat getting eaten by Jaws. There was blood, screaming and huge white teeth the size of bananas chomping down until he disappeared into an ocean soaked in red.

Shortly after, we moved to an island off the south coast of England called the Isle of Wight. Despite living a 5 minute walk from a beautiful beach, one where my mum and brother swam regularly, I could not get over my fear of a shark attack so didn’t swim in the sea. I practically gave up swimming altogether, running away from my fear instead of facing it head on.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. “- Marcus Aurelius

That was until my twenties, while on an island in Thailand. It was then I faced my fear and overcame it. I was on a remote part of Ko Tao, a section of the island where only 4 wheel drive vehicles and a hike could get you there (it’s not like that anymore). I was sleeping on a beach with a handful of others. Each day a brother and sister from New Zealand would snorkel out to sea in the early hours and come back around lunch time. I got talking to them after a few days and they persuaded me to join them. They’re ritual was a morning swim they named breakfast with the sharkies. The sharks they swam with were black tip (like mini great whites – well not so mini when you consider many of them were up to 2 meters long).

Within a few days I was snorkeling each morning with them and the sharks were following, circling me along the way. From my first time, where I became so frightened half way out, I began to tread water watching 6 shark fins circling me (like a scene from Jaws). To the last snorkel I had there, where the sharkies were so used to me I was able to swim close enough and be accepted by them, so much so it felt like I had pet sharks.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Since that time I’ve had a fascination with sharks, a healthy one, one where I’m no longer afraid of swimming in the sea, which was great for my time in Australia and Fiji where I learned to surf and enjoyed the sea like I never could have if it weren’t for that brother and sister from New Zealand.

Facing fears, no matter how trivial, isn’t easy on your own. Most of the time it takes the kindness of others to get you through to the other side. If you have a fear that’s holding you back, don’t go it alone, seek and accept help from others to conquer that fear, you too could be swimming with sharkies…

———————

Tim Ferriss did a great TV series on fearing less, as well as a TED talk on defining and overcoming fear. If you have fears holding you back I recommend checking them out for inspiration:

Tim Ferriss TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/tim_ferriss_why_you_should_define_your_fears_instead_of_your_goals

Fear(less): http://www.imdb.com/title/tt6245388/

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” – John Lennon

Today my twin brother messaged me saying he always knew I’d move away. He’s right, I love to travel. It’s not the act of travel (business travel can be especially dull) it’s the experiences and people which are the magic.

“The gladdest moment in human life, me thinks, is a departure into unknown lands.” – Sir Richard Burton

As I write this I’m in the bar area of a boutique hotel in Copenhagen Denmark. Having just had a long chat with a member of staff, I’m now drinking a free beer and have tips on where to go after work tomorrow in order to eat some good Danish food – that’s some magic of travel right there.

We all have a thirst for travel, we’re born with it. Some of us realise, most of us don’t. As a child of the 1980’s I’d watched Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Ark. The opening theme music pretty much had me when it came to feeling alive with a thirst for adventure. I suspect Indiana Jones has inspired many adventures for people over the years. Our 4-year-old son Mack often dances to the main theme and when I’m with him it’s easy to see his thirst for life. I’m confident he’s going to have some travel adventures.

I wanted to travel and be my own type of Indy. By my early twenties, I had the idea of mixing travel with something deep and meaningful. I looked at many options, I signed up to a Kibbutz but decided not to do it, I almost joined the Royal Navy to explore the world and learn engineering, I bailed before signing the papers. I’d been to Turkey and got a taste for mountain adventure in Land Rovers and canoes, it wasn’t enough. I was finding adventure and adventure was finding me, though no-one but myself was or would be benefitting, I wanted to do more.

The world has heavenly places and hellish places. Part of what I needed to discover was a more balanced view. For me, this meant experiencing more hell. That’s when Nigeria entered my life – in 1997 it was the most corrupt country on earth (according to Clive Anderson) and I decided I needed to experience it.

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone” – Aubrey Marcus

One thing I’d discovered was that Nigeria would welcome the engineering skills I had. So I went to a volunteering conference in the city of Bristol (UK). There I signed up to a stint teaching local Nigerians engineering skills, with the goal of large corporations employing them instead of ex-patriots from other countries.

Not even Clive Andersons great journalism could have prepared me for what was ahead. From constant police harassment, the need to bribe authorities for everything, major bouts of dehydration and lack of food, being held at gunpoint, seeing dead people at the sides of roads, accused of being a drug dealer (where a guilty sentence carried life-threatening consequences), lack of running water and electricity, being the chosen one for a wealthy families daughter (arranged marriage) and leaving the country due to severe illness. I had experiences I would never forget.

It was an awakening, one that changed me forever…more than anything before and anything since. There are things I witnessed I’ve still not been able to tell anyone and things that happened to me that no 24 year old should have happen to them. The strange thing is, I wouldn’t change my choice given the chance to go back in time. I made great friends, I suffered as I would never want either of my sons to ever suffer, though I came back a changed person. A person who I could never have become without Nigeria, a better person, one I was proud of.

“You normally have to be bashed about a bit by life to see the point of daffodils, sunsets and uneventful nice days.”  Alain de Botton

There are lots of people and books that shape us. From close friends and work colleagues to authors (pertinent ones like Jack Kerouac, Alain De Bottonand Marcus Aurelius), yet it’s the real experiences that truly shape a person. For me, in Nigeria, I changed from being unhappy with what life had dealt me, to being grateful for waking up each day and having opportunity. I still look back fondly on my time there, despite the hardship and struggles.

We all need to go to the edge of our comfort zone and then jump. It’s what differentiates those who are merely alive and those who feel alive.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” –Mark Twain

I was going to be a rock star, at least that’s what I’d planned. If you’d told the 19 year old me that later in life I’d be driving a VW estate with a roof box and holidaying on the Isle of Wight, I’d have told you that you don’t know me.

I’d had an adventurous childhood, one involving run ins with Police, a reputation with my brother at school (for the large scale pranks like locking the front gates with an industrial padlock) and some local fires requiring fire engines to put them out. I liked to be mischievous as long as people weren’t getting harmed. It felt natural for me to mature my rebelling to adulthood, and for me that meant rock stardom.

While in a band, the 2 songs that kick started any practice session were Rock n Roll star and Supersonic, both by Oasis. They are songs full of dreams, power, control and the feeling of being alive. Becoming a rock star was my ticket to all of them and on top of that I’d have continuous adventure and freedom along the way.

As a band, we’d recorded in a studio, done some gigs and had major fallings out, surely this meant we were headed for the big time?

Well, if only we’d focused more on practising and less on life style. Trying to live like a rock star doesn’t make you one.

I’d started to get advice from the pros, strangely all recommending the life of a rock star wasn’t for me. Conversations with bands like Blur and Manic Street Preachers ended in telling me it wasn’t my dream. I didn’t know famous people, I just wasn’t afraid to talk with them at gigs and bars. It turns out there’s one thing rock stars like more than groupies and that’s giving advice to wannabe rock stars over alcohol.

As a band we broke up, I wanted to experiment with different types of music, they didn’t, a common story. Other influences had introduced me to writing and poetry through movements like the beat generation. I was now writing my own stories and listening to the music of Bob Dylan & Tom Waits. I knew the rock star life wasn’t for me and if I was really honest, I wasn’t a good enough musician or songwriter anyway.

So how is this related to driving a VW estate and holidaying on the Isle of Wight?  Well, if people I’d met for one night could see my dream of rock stardom wouldn’t make me happy (Manic Street Preachers sussed me out in 2 hours) then what actually was my dream?

It was pretty simple really, it includes the essential ingredient of feeling alive. Last year I went even further by defining a 10 year plan for a remarkable life, it helped me visualise and see where I would be 10 years from now.

I screw up often. Either by not being the best person I could be, or not realising how important something is for those I love. I’m not perfect, none of us are. The important thing for me has been the realisation that my dream isn’t a goal, it’s the actual journey. A journey involving continuous improvement, learning and doing to make the best impact on not just me, those around me too.

So yeah, on the outside I might appear to have the life my old geography school teacher had (he had wool jumpers and an estate car too). What’s cool is that it turns out he most likely had an awesome life.