Category: Blog

…is that’s it’s lived not taught

“Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you.”

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

As a 6 year old, my twin brother and I were left alone a lot. Luckily for us we had each other. We were living with our mum in the heart of the Cotswolds. My dad was still local at the time as it was 2 years before he left for Seattle.

There was a Saturday I’ll always remember, one where a particular adventure collided with reality. My dad was at the house, we loved seeing him as didn’t get that much time together. That day we ran into the kitchen where we saw he was holding one of our toy cars (a die cast metal one). It was pretty beaten and I’d forgotten where I’d left it so was pleased he had it.

“Where did you find that? I haven’t seen it in ages!” I said

“So it is yours?” My dad replied

“Yes, where did you get it?” I said, happily reaching to grab the toy out of his hand..

“The neighbour found it in his greenhouse” As he said this he pulled it away from me. I looked at my brother, his eyes showed the panic I was feeling.

“Uh, maybe it’s not ours?” I said

“Are you sure? You seemed pretty sure just now?” My dads tone had changed to a deeper more stern one and our mum was not looking so happy.

At that moment I remember thinking about lying, but lying wasn’t something I was good at and I knew we were caught, I fessed up.

“No, it’s ours” I replied.

In the weeks leading up to that time, my brother and I had spent hours carefully carrying out the destruction of our neighbours greenhouse. It began as a game, seeing if we could throw stones high and far enough over the wall till we heard the delicious sound of glass exploding.

What was a game became an addiction and the more we got away with it the more we wanted it to continue. We estimated a lot of glass panes to break and the thrill of smashing every one without getting caught was too much to resist. The game wasn’t about vandalism (we hadn’t really thought that through), it was about doing something we controlled, something we knew was against the rules.

When our mum asked one sunny day what all the smashing glass noise was, we told her it must be coming from the factory down the hill from us. When the neighbour came round and complained about vandals destroying his greenhouse we acted shocked and dismayed.

Then one day while grabbing stones, climbing onto the garage roof and taking a more accurate aim, one of us grabbed an old toy car mixed in with the stones from the driveway and threw it before thinking. If it wasn’t for that split second of carelessness I think we’d have gotten away with complete destruction.

I don’t remember if the Police got involved this time, I do remember being banished to our bedroom for many weeks and life being difficult for a while.

Looking back I regret the damage caused to that greenhouse and the stress we must have caused our neighbour. I don’t regret being truthful despite the consequences. Being truthful is something  I still carry with me today, it’s an important principle, one that partners well with integrity.

I still prefer to break the rules. My default for everything is to find a way to do it differently or go against the tide. It’s the feeling of rebelling and exploring a path that may or may not lead to greatness I enjoy. At times that rebelling has made a big difference in my life, both good and bad.

In my gratitude journal I regularly thank the people who’ve believed in me over the years, those people who stuck with me despite some of the trouble I caused them and others. People who’ve shown me that the truth always comes out in the end and being truthful and owning up to poor decisions is part of a fulfilling life.

We all need people who stick by us and believe in our potential. Those that see in us what we don’t see in ourselves. Most of us have things in our lives we’re not proud of, things that some mistakenly believe define who we are. What defines who we are is how we grow, react and the principles we choose to live by.

I chose truth and integrity at a young age, I didn’t choose empathy for others nor fully care what was right and wrong until later on. Thankfully I had people around me to help make those future choices, without them I’m not sure I’d have done it alone, I’m more grateful than they’ll ever realise.

It would be great if we all had people in our lives that guide and show the way to a fulfilling life, one that does not negatively impact others. The best kind are the ones who don’t even know they are doing it.

“Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, and integrity, they think of you”

Bob Marley

19 years ago I was in Rome, where all I had with me was my trusty backpack and some savings in the bank. I wandered the streets looking for somewhere to stay. By chance I discovered a dorm type youth hostel named Fawlty Towers, this was clearly meant to be. For those that don’t know, Fawlty Towers is one of the most famous and loved sitcoms to come out of the UK. Starring John Cleese as a bumbling hotel manager a few decades ago this TV show won the hearts and minds of millions, and it’s still hilarious if you watch it today.

So as a Brit, seeing this was too good to be true. Upon entering it didn’t disappoint, a hand written sign with an arrow pointing to one of those old cage lifts was in the hall and I jumped in. Not much happened, I thought they were automatic, not so. I found a chain dangling in the corner so pulled it. High above me I heard the distant sound of a bell ringing. A minute later, with lots of crunching noise the lift began to rise. I started to become unsure whether I’d make it to the top alive and on that short (though what felt very long) journey I became convinced I would fall to my death in what felt more like a torture chamber than lift.

I did make it to the top, where an Italian girl greeted me with such enthusiasm I wasn’t sure if she’d had human contact in a while. It was quiet and kinda ghostly, so my mind began to work on an escape plan, I was no longer sure staying there was right for me. The ghostly nature and over excited greeting I’d received were unnerving.

“English?” The girl asked

“How did you know?” I replied

“You look really English” was her response

“Oh, how do I look English?” I said, trying to hide the hurt in my voice. I liked to pride myself on blending in wherever I visited and clearly I’d done a poor job in Rome.

“Ha! Well it was either that or American, no Italian would be wearing those shoes.”

At this point I wasn’t sure if I liked her or loathed her, it was definitely one of the two.

After a coffee and more chat she told me the computer system was down and she couldn’t assign rooms so was doing it the old fashioned way on paper. It also turned out they were full except for 1 of the 2 single rooms they had (all the rest were dorms). I wasn’t able to afford it as still had 10 months of travel ahead of me, I didn’t want to waste dollars on luxury at this point.

I offered to take a look at her computer, I liked tinkering. The girl let me sit down and I played around, I don’t remember exactly what was wrong but it was some kind of device conflict and I had it fixed with the software up and running pretty quickly.

With this, what was an excitable greeting initially, just got turned up to super maximum. The girl did a jig, shouted excitedly at the top of her voice and gave me one of the biggest hugs I’d ever had at that point in my life. She then refused to let me leave, offering me the single room free for the next 3 nights as a thank you. Turns out she’d been waiting a couple of days for a technician to arrive and fix the issue.

From that moment on, in every country I visited I asked about computer problems in hostels and cafes. I enjoyed the tinkering, I only broke one system badly enough that I got asked to leave and I managed to get free accommodation in parts of Thailand, Australia and Fiji. I never did ask for anything in return, it was either offered to me or my payment refused as a thank you.

I learned a lot during that period. From how to to build trust quickly, what the common pitfalls of Windows 98 were (there were many) and that helping people do things that you also enjoy feels really satisfying, it’s win win for all.

And sometimes, the reward is a hug, that’s the best reward on the planet.

“I dream of painting and then I paint my dream”

Vincent Van Gogh

I remember my first dream, not the kind you get when you sleep, the kind you make in your thoughts. I was a kid watching Indiana Jones: Raiders of the lost ark, it was the eighties and our TV wasn’t large nor the picture very clear. What was clear to me after seeing that movie was a future involving seeing the world and going on adventure.

I’ve recently felt bad about not having specific goals in life. I’ve tried, some of the books I read and conversations I listen too encourage them, but they just don’t float my boat. What does float my boat is dreams and I’ve actually had success with dreaming.

At age 11 my dream of exploring the world was cemented in my mind. By my early twenties I was travelling the USA, Africa and the pacific. I wasn’t an archaeologist fighting Nazis though I did experience some interesting situations. My dream of seeing the world on my terms (not a vacation) lasted 3 years and I still cherish all the ups and downs it gave me. That time essentially recreated who I am today.

Somewhere during that period I read Microserfs by Douglas Coupland and Bill Gates’ The road ahead. I then had a new dream and that dream was to join the biggest software company in the world, Microsoft. I didn’t have a computer science degree nor professional software engineering experience, what I did have was a dream.

10 years later I was working at Microsoft, helping grow a new organisation within Xbox based in the UK. I never did make a plan on how to get there, and the only conscious decision I made to work at Microsoft was saying YES when they called. What I had was that dream, and that dream led me there.

When you have a dream, the decisions you make and the crossroads you encounter will take you closer to it, both consciously and unconsciously.

While at Microsoft I eventually had a new dream about the work I do. One where I didn’t work in games, yet felt like I was working in games. I made no plans, I just dreamed of working with people on something big, something different and something meaningful. That dream led me to Unity. I wasn’t consciously looking and the only conscious decision I made to join them was saying YES when they called.

If there’s something or someone in your life you’re dreaming about, keep dreaming. Life has a way of making it happen.

“Throw your dreams into space like a kite, and you do not know what it will bring back, a new life, a new friend, a new love, a new country”

Anais Nin

Be a dreamer.

“If you want to have more, do more, and be more, it all begins with the voice that no one else hears.”

Tim Ferriss

In our modern age, the average person focuses on entertaining themselves over learning and growing. From nights in front of the TV to playing games or taking in fake news on a phone or tablet device. We are fast becoming a society of prolific consumers, consumerism that’s heavily weighted towards being entertained. Outside of Scandinavia (I haven’t seen it in Denmark yet) kids are regularly being given tablets or phones on trains, planes and in restaurants to keep them quiet. They are being digitally entertained from a very early age. It’s no wonder digital entertainment is becoming the most profitable business in the world.

It’s not that I think digital entertainment is bad. I love TV, movies and playing games, it’s the balance that’s shifted. Entertainment has reached a point where it’s such a large part of our lives, many of us are unable to tell the difference between being entertained and spending time in meaningful ways.

“We aren’t in an information age, we are in an entertainment age.”

Tony Robbins

So what if you don’t want the average persons life? What if you want to be extraordinary and not let life happen to you, but rather design the life you live? To break away from this imbalance, I’ve found building a life focused on learning and experimenting the best way to achieve this.

I’ve read and implemented self help for as long as I can remember, yet it wasn’t until Tim Ferriss and his book the 4 hour work week that I realised I really can design my own life. It’s less self help, more lifestyle design.

So with this, I’m sharing 5 of most pertinent changes I’ve made as a direct result of Tim Ferriss and the 9 years he’s been my virtual coach and mentor.

1. Build rhythms and routines based on positive impact for your mind and body. From waking up and writing in a journal to taking a cold shower. it’s actions like these that require a rhythm your mind and body will want to do automatically over time. Like brushing your teeth or riding a bicycle.

How do you do this with a busy lifestyle and a family? Build it in where you can. I wake up and no matter how I’ve slept or where I am I take a cold shower. We have a dog, so when I’m home I take him on a walk and run around before breakfast. I meditate on the train into work and catch up on any messages from friends the day before. We all have the same amount of time each day, it’s designing how you use it that’s key.

2. Don’t have a to do list, have a next action list. By this I mean have your next action ready. Need to book a dentist appointment? Put the phone number and dates / times that work for you in your phone or notebook. I do this sort of thing all the time. The benefit is that whenever I have a spare moment I can take action right away, without having to search for numbers and look at calendars. This can be in line waiting for a coffee or walking back home from the station after work. Build next actions into your life and chances are you’ll be way more productive, which in turn gives you more time for other things.

This is actually essential as a parent. If I’m spending time looking at a checklist and for each item I need to do work like search for phone numbers or dates, it limits when I can take action. My time for non parenting activities at home is limited to what are normally out of hours for most businesses, so the next action list is a game changer.

3. Make time to read. Mix fiction with non fiction, but more non fiction than fiction. If you drive to work, get audio books and if you take public transport get a kindle or be prepared to carry books (I do both). Learning from books has progressed the human race more than anything else. I generally have at least 2 books on the go and have multiple phases of prolific reading each year.

I love book recommendations and have grown a list of trusted people I look to. From writers like Adam Grant and Malcolm Gladwell to work colleagues and friends. Having people you trust to inspire your reading means you’ll enjoy and learn more. Outside of books I have the Pocket app and save LinkedIn articles to Evernote so I can read at any spare moment, from waiting at the train station or queueing for coffee, I make sure to read and learn from others.

4. Hack your life. By this I mean make sure you think of creative ways to ensure those things that keep you fit and help you grow are happening no matter what. I stand on one leg while brushing my teeth, do some Alexander technique in bed upon waking and focus on core strength exercise while shoulder carrying or playing rough and tumble with my 5 year old.

You don’t always have to carve out special time for exercise or healthy eating. As a parent I’m learning to hack these activities into playing with my children and building meal foundations with my wife, like all the different Buddha bowls out there, each one designed for taste, speed and optimal health.

5. Work life separation not work life balance. This means when you’re not working you’re not working. It’s based on mindfulness i.e whatever you’re doing is where your focus is. This includes small hacks, so whether it’s seconds, moments or hours, whatever you’re doing is whatever you’re doing. Trying to balance work in your life results in answering email late at night or on weekends. That’s when effectiveness suffers across all your relationships, as well as negatively impacting your actual work. Successful people are not those that work 70+ hours a week. The very nature of working that many hours suggests they are not successful.

This became even more important for me as a parent, where I realised my previous way of working (meetings during the day and producing output at home during the evening and weekends) wasn’t sustainable nor good for my relationships. One of my more popular blog articles covers work life separation in more detail, give it a read if you haven’t already.

So I’ll end on a final thought inspired by (yes that’s right) a recent Tim Ferriss podcast.

We live on average for 30,000 days. I did the maths, which results in me having just under 14,000 days left. And that’s if all goes well! So I’ve used up a little over half my time on this planet. I can’t afford to waste what days I have left and I imagine you’ll feel the same. Try doing the maths and be inspired to make the most out of each day. 

“Learning is the beginning of wealth. Learning is the beginning of health. Learning is the beginning of spirituality. Searching and learning is where the miracle process all begins.”

Jim Rohn