Category: Blog

More than ever people are talking about how to be successful. Successful people in the conventional sense (rich or famous or both) are constantly in the media giving advice and showing us how we can have what they have.

Often, we allow external forces such as this media exposure as well as family and friends to define success for us. A trap I fell into at a young age. I looked externally for validation, copying others to fit in and wanted to be liked.

Back then I was troubled, a child from a broken home. My brother and I did some things I’m not proud of and my childhood isn’t one I want for my children.

A feeling that haunted me was one of failure. At age 8 it all became too much for me. One morning I opened the second story window of the bedroom I shared with my twin brother, as I looked around and listened to make sure no one else was there I climbed out onto the ledge. I then sat down, dangling my legs in the cool air, staring at the concrete below me. I don’t remember wishing I was dead, I doubt I fully understood the concept of suicide, though I do remember thinking it was a way out, so I jumped.

I remember hearing shouting and being still. I was uncomfortable and in pain so I waited for whoevers voice I had heard to come and find me. It was a friend, he was calling by as he wanted to team up and have some fun. He saw the whole thing from across the street.

That friend thought it was cool and had no idea of the motivation behind my jump. Miraculously no bones were broken and I recovered quickly. When my mum asked why, I couldn’t tell her the truth, she wasn’t equipped to hear it and was already doing all she could to make sure we had a home, food and clothing. I didn’t want to burden her even more.

Moments of happiness for me were when I had music,  the Beatles were and still are a massive part of my life.

Fast forward to my twenties, I still felt disconnected. I was regretting an engineering career over science and medicine. My thinking was that if I’d chosen medicine I could have travelled the world and helped others. Instead I was in a small town and part of an industry quickly being outsourced to China.

That’s when I was introduced to Stephen Coveys book the 7 habits of highly effective people. Until then I’d had no real guidance or mentorship in my life. It turns out the principles and values detailed in his book were the missing link to my personal success.

“In the space between stimulus (what happens) and how we respond, lies our freedom to choose. Ultimately, this power to choose is what defines us as human beings. We may have limited choices but we can always choose. We can choose our thoughts, emotions, moods, our words, our actions; we can choose our values and live by principles. It is the choice of acting or being acted upon.” – Stephen Covey

A year later I began my real travels, helping people in other ways. From teaching engineering in Nigeria to tutoring on technology and the internet out of cafes in Asia and Australia.

I’m successful. I’m not famous and I’m not a millionaire. I do have great friends who I care for deeply, a wonderful wife and cracking children. I wasn’t even sure I’d ever be a dad yet here I am with 2 of them, thats success in my book. They have mentorship, a focus on play and a stable home.

Success is contextual, we’re all successful in our own way, even if it’s as simple as getting out of bed in the morning.

I’m successful, you’re successful too.

At home, we’ve been reading and demonstrating the morals of a story called ‘Have you filled a bucket today?’ A children’s book encouraging positive behaviour by using the concept of an invisible bucket to show how easy and rewarding it is to express kindness, appreciation, and love by “filling buckets.” It’s great for adults too. Whether you have or don’t have children I recommend reading it, it’s helped me remember on a daily basis that giving is more important than receiving,

“No one has ever become poor by giving.” ― Anne Frank

Many of our western societies do not place high value on helping others, some never have. In the UK (where I live) and the United States of America (where I lived briefly and have visited often) both have a strong society and culture centered on self. Class systems have been a large part of this. In the UK, these were once defined by the family you were born into, later your vocation and work, now no one would blame you for not seeing classes at all, there are simply those in need and those not in need. In our society, in order for people to have, there needs to be people that don’t have.

“No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another.” ― Charles Dickens

As a child growing up I was taught to marvel at the Victorian era. It gave us the industrial revolution, scientific breakthroughs and modern education. But, what if the industrial revolution and colonisation of much of the world had been carried out differently? Without slavery, child labour and war? I’d love to see education and parenting reflecting on this more, teaching our children to learn from our mistakes, rather than just focusing on the achievement of end goals.

Perhaps with this reflection would come a new revolution, one where we begin to value helping others more, where the antiquated (and in reality, not so modern) education actually becomes effective. Isn’t it amazing that as adults many businesses have to teach us how to work together, have empathy, communicate and actively listen?

Have you ever stopped to think about the culture you’re part of? What values you have? What are your principles?.

“When you see bad things happening, look around for people that are helping, there are always people helping” – Source: Tim O’Reilly / Tim Ferriss podcast

Imagine if we all looked for the people who are helping the world be a better place, and then joined them. That’s the society I’d love to be a part of.

We’re all a story, most of the time we believe we’re not interesting enough to tell people our own one. The truth is everyone’s story is interesting, a CEO, postman or gardener, these aren’t roles that define who people are, they are part of the journey that forms the story of their lives.

Life is actually a journey…

…after all it’s not the destination that’s the target (who wants to get to that destination?) it’s the journey, and we need to experience the journey to really live.

I see people limit themselves all the time, mostly without knowing it. I fight this myself everyday, where society has conditioned me to specialise, be really amazing at one thing, and that thing will define me (engineer, writer, designer, builder).

Actually, I’m interested in everything and I find specialism limits this interest and my ability to have that roller coaster journey, a story I want to live.

My own story…

…is one of suffering and joy, continuous learning and risk taking, and most recently parenting. I’ve written a book (unpublished), married an amazing woman, worked with some of the smartest people I could ever hope to meet and been held at gunpoint in the darkest depths of Nigeria.

The point is, create a story that’s interesting to be a part of, while leaving a positive dent in the universe. That’s my goal, how about yours?

Making time to setup your day for success

I’ve been experimenting for years. So much so my wife often jokes about the things I try after listening to podcasts like The Tim Ferriss Show or The Moment with Brian Koppelman.

This has definitely changed over the last few years since becoming a parent. Following rituals and rhythms has become increasingly difficult, I don’t always have the ability to do what I used to do in the mornings, especially on my commute days. I’ve realised I’m not alone in this. The other day it dawned on me there must be thousands, if not millions of others who feel the same.

There’s a lot of advice out there from successful people and the routines that set them up. However, I’ve yet to find many that are practical for a parent of young children. This is especially pertinent for particular parenting styles (my wife and I are what many would call attachment parents). So I’m writing this post for anyone who has young kids, an early commute or both. I hope this inspires rhythms and rituals in your life, ones that help the mind, body and spirit of yourself and those around you.

Getting up
I wake up early, around 5:45am, this allows me to have space before the rest of the house awakens. For 10 minutes after waking, I stay in bed practicing the Alexander techniques semi supine. This lengthens my spine, clears my lungs, relaxes my shoulders and neck muscles and sets me up for the day.

I get out of bed, go downstairs and pour myself a large glass of filtered water. I favour bamboo charcoal filters mixed with a freshly squeezed lemon. This gives me a fresh feeling, energy and many more benefits (described here)

Before leaving the house I make a smoothie blend of walnut pieces, frozen banana, almond milk, medjool dates and hemp protein powder. This is for breakfast later, I got the recipe from an interview I found with Seth Godin and I’ve made it my staple for a while now.

On the commute
If I’m going to the office I commute by train, this is when I use the Headspace app on my phone and do 10 minutes meditation. I find the headspace app really lets me meditate with noise and people in the same space. One day I’ll be seasoned enough not to need the app.

Next, I listen to a whole or part of a podcast – this is usually The Tim Ferriss show, The Moment or Design Matters (see My fav podcasts)

After this I write my journal, either my 5 minute journal or morning pages, I rarely do both on the same day and so choose intermittently.  Journaling has had the largest positive change in my life outside of meditation.

Starting work
At work I grab a coffee and use a stand up desk. My phone is under my laptop stand (out of view and on silent) and I use the pomodoro technique to get the most focus I can.

So that’s how I structure my morning to get the best out of my day, be positive around others and grow my thinking.

For those wondering why showering isn’t in my morning routine, I no longer shower every day (a current experiment). On days when I’m not working at home I shower in the evening. Evening showers are warm (not hot), morning showers are cold. The benefits of cold showers are amazing and really do work for me.

For exercise, since becoming a parent I weave into my day in many ways, from walking, cycling, running with our dog or climbing trees and playing with my 4 year old son in the park.

There are days when I don’t get to do all of the above and that’s OK, I keep moving forward and do the best I can. The important thing is that no matter where I am I can choose to follow the rhythms and rituals I’ve put in place. They make me feel good, keep me positive and help me grow as a person.

If you’re interested in starting the day in the best way you can, it’s definitely possible to build rituals and rhythms with a family and long commutes. It takes some experimenting and the realisation that if you don’t achieve some or all of them everyday, that’s OK. Try some, there is no downside.

The book I cite the most for helping keep rituals once you’ve found good ones is The Slight Edge